Today, as a Monday treat, I’ve convinced Erik Wuttig to be on my blog. International photographer, he has accepted the daunting task of photographing some of the top models in the world on Misbehaving Models, the #1 reality show in the last two seasons.
Me: Welcome Erik, how is the project going?
Erik: It would be going a lot better if half the models had shown up. Three of them are late, and I don’t do late.
Me: Well, my understanding is the show doesn’t start for another few weeks.
Erik: I do not care. When I want my models available, I expect them to be available. There are no excuses. This might be a reality show, but my art, it waits for no one. Ich warte auf neimanden.
Me: Perhaps they weren’t told that they needed to be here so soon? And, please Erik, can we try to stay away from the German.
Erik: I said there are no excuses; however, Chandler has assured me they should be arriving today. I must get my hands on Hans. He is exquisite and I’ve not had the opportunity to capture his beauty with my camera.
Me: Chandler, Chandler Stemming, the producer? And I do believe you mean Hans Breckenridge. He is very…beautiful. And quite controversial if I remember.
Erik: Pshaw! Hans is a professional. That he can transform his beauty into either gender is something the general public could not possibly fathom. Niedrige leben!
Me: Erik, you ignored my first question, and I have no doubt that Hans is a professional, but don’t you think that’s giving the public less credit than they deserve?
Erik (blushing): I did not ignore your first question; I chose not to answer it. And, no, I will give credit where credit is due. These reality shows are just proof of what I speak of. They are, gah, unklug.
Me (a bit stunned at the blush): I do believe, Erik, that you are blushing over Chandler. And what exactly does unklug mean?
Erik: I am doing no such thing. Just because Chandler is a very handsome and arousing man, means nothing. He is, how do you say, im wandschrank, um, in the closet? He does not embrace his sexuality. So, nein, he does not make me blush. I, however, could easily make him blush. Unklug, it means..verruckt, dumm…idiotic!
Me: Well, I hope that you are at least looking forward to this project.
Erik: It is a project, no more, no less than I have always done. Just with cameras on me as well. Speaking of, where did you find that photo of me? I was not aware there were any to be had.
Me: That, my good man, was given to me by Chandler himself. I think he got it from a paparazzi. Do you mind?
Erik: No, of course not, though it is not a better one of me. I will provide you much better photos in the future. Did Chandler say why he had such a picture in his possession?
Me ( I could tell that Erik was very interested in my answer on Chandler): Honestly? He said it was from his…um…private collection.
Erik (looking bemused): The poor hilfloser mann. If only he would acknowledge his attraction to men. He would be so much happier. And I could show him many vergnugen.
Me: Too many German words Erik. Please, in English.
Erik (eyeing me): I think not Ms. G. You are a frau, it is not, you have not, you do not have the right…korper trennt, body parts, to understand what I have insinuated.
Me: Well, Erik, I may not have a cock, as you have so eloquently put it, but I can certainly imagine what would happen between you and Chandler. After all, I wrote it.
Erik: Gah! Sie dürfen es schreiben, aber ich erfahre es und Krämer wird sich zu meiner Verführung ergeben.
Me: English Mr. Wuttig. Not all my readers speak German.
Erik (looking annoyed): You may write it, but I experience it and Chandler will succumb to my seduction. Is that what you wanted to hear?
Me: That is fine and you, I’m sure, will have the man eating out of your hand in no time.
Erik (mumbling under his breath): I will have him eating something, ja!
Me (glancing at the door): Well, Erik, it appears your Hans has arrived and I know you are anxious to get him on camera, so I will leave you now.
Erik (absently with his eyes on Hans): Auf wiedersehen.